The New Me...

So I have this talented friend...



who definately gave me a EXTERMLY great confidence booster...





...and even though things are changing... I'm so glad that something NEVER change...lol

aka: Beauty in a pony-tail <3

Until next time... :)

A lesson, A facet lesson called LOVE...

Haahahhahaha...

Wow, what an adventure these past couple of weeks have been!!! Reaching new lows are never exciting for anyone, but that's life you have to go through. Even though my seem to be continuous and ever so lonely...I've decide to learn another lesson, a facet lesson (aka: a lesson that shows the different and multiple side of a subject, that is meant to educate you:but in all reality drive you to a place of vulnerability that is really uncomfortable....and yes, that is a Jalit-definition...) And the word of today is LOVE, facet PURE, GENUINE, UNCONDITIONAL...

and who better to show me than this little man:

Dillon was filled with so much excitement when he say me from the opposite end of the park... Actually a little to much excitement. He was yelling and screaming my name "Ja-weet, Ja-weet is here!!! Hi Jaweet." That smile beaming for ear to ear and watching those little legs go... It was BREATH-TAKING. And even before he hugged my legs he completely wiped out...which made it PRICELESS (but that's besides that point...lol) So much need love in that moment. I really didn't know what to do with it all...Except for squeeze and smile at the little guy.

So I played with Dillon and his sister Mari and his brother Cooper, and 2 other children that his incredible mom/my good friend watches...and even though I couldn't fit in 1/2 the stuff that was there...it was so refreshing to experience an hour of pure fun, pure innocence and experience true, wholesome, unconditional LOVE... And boy was I blessed.

When it was time to go it was super hard to say goodbye... It's not everyday that I experience the mere joy and sooooooooooooo much LOVE. Tears streamed down my face as I turned and I walked away towards the house... The only thing I could say is... "why, Abba?!?!" "Why do we loose that when we grow up?" Why does that can of LOVE come across as confusing, weird, outgoing, awkward, unwanted, mis-understood, over-powering...oooo and did i mention confusing? Yep..." "Why is so easy to hurt each other and so hard to genuinely LOVE someone?" And like always, I felt longing, loving, sympathetic eyes, and mighty arms of comfort just hold me they rest of my way home...

Idk, where I'm headed or have a clue of where I'm going...and for the first time in a VERY long time a new leave of insecurity clouds my vision and judgement. It scary as h**l! (whatever earthly h**l is...) Finding myself in places of rejection and loneliness that I have NEVER experienced before. Finding my pillow more wet then usually because tears seem to be the only way that I can communicate. And that LOVE that I crave and longing for is only in One person... yes I KNOW THIS... But I find myself wishing, longing, hoping, that I could find type of LOVE with skin on, you know people and just limited to children under the age of 4...

I really don't know who to described what I actually learned for this lesson, this facet lesson, but goodness that type of LOVE is so needed, and soooo lacking not just in my life but in the world in general... and to think that I learned this lesson @ the park with to most lovable 2yr old in the world... PRICELESS.

until next time...

Bandages..

I open my eyes, to find that the King of Kings, Himself was taking some bandages off my heart... Only to find that what was completely shattered, was now completely healed...

O MY GOODNESS... O MY GOODNESS!!! Big things are happening on this end of the world. Sorry that I didn't write last week. I've come to the conclusion that I will NEVER buy or own a scale. I'm content with my 182lb, but the sun is out and the walking to running process will beginning soon (TOMORROW)... :) But in other news...

I have made the biggest step forward that I think that God has ever allowed me to make and I am beyond excited. Today I took a HUGE step backwards and went to the last place I was majorly shattered. Ironically it was at a church. For to long I've been in pain. Carrying to much condemnation, anger, amazement (the bad kind!) and just utter disgust for this particular denomination and this person. I was challenged during prayer time that I had a couple of days ago, about forgiveness. Forgiveness is such a hard concept to grab a hold of and walk out in. I mean, people in my life, my own family members have told me for the longest time... "Forgive and forget, it's easy... God does the rest." That statement left me dumbfound EVERY time I heard that...and I wanted to slap (the living-day-lights out of...) EVERY single person that said it me. Not only was the response heartless, but they didn't have a clue about the situation or how BADLY this situation hurt me... and changed my prospective on ministry FOREVER!

BUT GOD... is (beyond) INCREDIBLE!!! Today, I went back to that place where I was defeat, overcome, abandoned and left fire-less... and I stood in that place and I was totally free. I wasn't bound. The wound was not oozing puss, guts, or blood... I was whole. I stood there humbly as the daughter of a King...and I was complete and healed...

Today was a scary day; a victorious and marvelous day. (insert picture of me GLOWING here....) Idk, if I will ever go back and worship at that particular fellowship again, but I do have renewed faith in the fact that God can use any situation for His glory. I have renewed faith that this journey of tears isn't all for nothing, and that this recovering General has not seen that last of her orders...not yet;)

I know that this event was meant to put my fire out forever but as I left that fellowship today...

I saw coals, red and hot being stirred up again...

Until next time:]