Wow...

wow it's been a while since I've been on here...

According to my baby time ticker, I have 110 days until my little Harlee is here. To much is in my head!! At times it can be overwheleming! At times it can even be frightening, but most of the time... it's a pure joy, thinking of my princess and actually having her here.

Baby Girl, even though things are not as perfect as I would love them to be and I can't even beginning to describe to you how excited I am to meet you, see you, cuddle with you and just give you so much lovin... :) Though I may be overwhelemed with fear of the unknown and just feeling inadquite.... I know that God has a plan and that knowledge in and of itself puts this raging sea at peace... Love you Hunny...

Until next time :)

10 piggies, 10 toes...

Yesterday and the day before I reached a new level of love that I have never experienced before!! Thats right. I saw and heard my baby!! It was amazing how anxious I was to hear the heartbeat, but when I did it was LOUD and CLEAR. And oddly enough it was what I needed. When I was done with my appointment on Tuesday, they asked me if I wanted to see the baby... I was like "You can show me?!?!?" Duh... and the Dr. laughed and told me yes.

Seeing my munchkin hanging upside-down just hanging out like all was well in the world was great!! See that little lite ((indicating the heartbeat)) going superfast and hearing it just as strong as the day before was breath-taking!!

So far everything is going "PERFECT" ((in the words of my mid-wife))!! And I'm so thankful, blessed and so much more. God's given me one baby!! One more lil someone to love on... <3

I choose LIFE...

So it's funny how you make promises to yourself and than life throws you a certian chain of events and you realize that you just got to do the best you can with what you have been instilled with and what you learned on your own and hope for the best. 2 weeks ago today my life changed FOREVER... Thats right. I'm pregnant! And sometime around March 20th, 2011... I'll be a momma. :) And though things may not seem to be in the "right order" this kid has got to be something special...

Today as I was hanging out with my boys and telling different people the news, and it dawned on me... OMG, this is so natural... What am I doing? :) And how the heck did I get here? :P At this point I'm laughing histerically!!! Brodey, turns and looks with me and asks "What are you laughing at?!" I just looked up at the ceiling, and put my hand on my stomach and said with a huge chessy grin on my face..."I'm gonna be a Momma! There's no turning back!!" Than did Caleb (Brodey's 2yr old) come up to me and said..."You're gonna be the best!!" Tears of joy ran down my face today as my boys left my apartment. I can't put into words how great it was to see them/have them there. It felt to natural and sur-real.

So yes, I choose LIFE. Be that as it may. Hate me, love me, judge me, do whatever! But I chose to REJOICE and CELEBRATE this life. As he or she grows and as I get fatter...hahaha I will rejoice and celebrate and keep smiling... <3

Yep, it's true...

I'm due March 20, 2011. So much to do so little time. Any advice or encouragement is so welcome. Funny story still to come... but for right now, I just want people to know. :) Until next time... <3

Scared

Normally, I'm not one to admit it. But I am petrified about this new season. New apartment, new car, possibly a new job, new life, new love...and I'm so scared. Things are coming together so quick and changing so fast... I just can't seem to catch my bears... I'm scared, but it's a good scared... I hope :)

This week I move into my apartment. Maybe once I have a place thats mine I'll be a little more secure... ;) Until than keep me in your prayers. I'm already 1/2 through the summer... I hope im alive and hopping for the other 1/2 of camp. God bless. <3

favorite quotes as of late...lol

"Yesterday is history. Tommorow is a mystery. But today, today is a gift, that's why it's called the PRESENT." Kung Fu Panda


..."Your ability to trust fuels your ability to love..." ♥♥♥

Jedi Moment: "Exciting times, I live!"

I had a jedi moment today as I got off the phone with a friend of mine.

Exciting times, I live!

Things are packed! Things are ready set in motion... all I got to do is move!! Moving forward is so hard. I'm beginning to understand why God instructed certian ones to NOT look back. Transition/Moving forward is has been so hard. There is so much comfort in the "known" "the past" But change is needed and it is good. This CRAZY season however is almost over. ((THANK GOD!!))

Camp=TRANSITION

Moving during Camp=TRANSITION

Interview for my job with AmeriCorp during Camp=TRANSITION

Opening my heart to Love=TRANSITION ((hahah this transition has been very insightful;]))

All this to say... "I'm blessed! Exciting times, I live!" I may not have a clue of where I am being lead, but I know that I dont need to pray for God to bless my life and be blessed anymore. Reason being, I ALREADY AM. All I have to do is be obedient and faithful with these "talents" that God has given me; give it all I got, and WATCH for Him to day something that I couldnt even comprehend on my own! As I enjoy the last night that I will have to myself ((until camp is over!!!)) I'm in awe of all/what God has done. Even though I am clueless to what all of this will add up to... Clueless just in general...hahaha I don't mind anymore. :]

Camp is going to be AWESOME!!!

My new apartment is going to be BLESSED and without anything LACKING!!!

AmeriCorp will HIRE ME!!!

My heart will NOT be BROKEN!!!

I'm sharing with you, my amazing Jedi moment because there are way to many of people that I know that are stuck in a place that Life doesn't make sence! Clueless on where God is taking them/going to take them!! Pain, Pain Pain...ECT!!! But as I was reminded today...

Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers him out of them all...

Psalm 34:19

Despite the hecticness and uncertianty I am NOT alone. Despite that the fact that there are whispers of doubt, and "O, she'll never learn... She will always be like this!!" I chose to ignore it, and teach myself, and be taught by Him who loves me. The Lord is on the move and He is on His way... He promised!! He said so!! Tomorrow is the first day of the last of my transitions... ((for now!!!hahahaha)) And I can't wait!!

xoxoxoxo

Kari Jobe Healer

Our prayer are with you Camp Family... God bless!

My alter-ego...

Warrior Princess, I am...

Sleepless Nights...

14 days until CAMP, about 70 days until I move into my apartment, get a new car/sell the old car, and find out if I get the job that I am "perfectly-made" for...lol So much to do, not enough hours in the days... :)

I can't put my finger on it just yet but I have a really great feeling that this summer is going to be so special one!!! Not in the sence that I'm going to anything extreme, but in the sence that I'm going to get to discover a new fascet of myself, old passions are going to explode, and that everything is going to be ok...more than ok ;) Peace like this has not passed me by, in such a long time.

Despite my lack of sleep, encougragement-time, working out-time, energy and lack of faith in myself to become all that I was made to be... I'm so thankful! I'm so loved, blessed and and awe that my Abba would make a way for me, and his YET to leave me... I know that rest is on the way...so for now I carry on. Continusly moving forward. Things can on get better from here. After all Camp is only 14 days away, but until then I'm going to try to get some good nights sleep.... b/c God only knows once camps starts so do even more sleepless....HAHAHA

xoxox <3

I can't be...TAMED

You know something, it's really weird when God uses the "odd-random-small-things" to get my attention.

This month's lesson: Taking care of me! :O

Though I know that it is ok...to do this, I haven't and I put myself last...ALOT and WAY TO OFTEN. So I make plans=get stood up!!! Make more plans=get stood up and recieve dead flowers cry, color and... Make more plans AGAIN= no one comes+warm bubble bath!!! Make new and more plans= and 1 friend shows up...at this point I'm like Lord "Are you freakin' serious?" "What is wrong with me?

"Nothing..." He said

Nothing!!! I was like lets recap... I got stood up... Recieved dead flowers... And have been crying myself to sleep for the last 3 weeks...Was told that "there is to many facets to you, to much for me to deal with at this time..." I was like are you sure, Lord, nothing is wrong with me... Are you sure? And then He laughs at me!

So, as of today, I've come to the conclusions that God has something AMAZING instore for me. And even though TBA is not in focus...((yet)) I have the overwhelming urge to think that this summer is a going to be a RELEASING/FREEING/MONUMENTAL one.

Every since the day of smother-a-tion...((hahahha)) I've been really upset/overwhelemed by the disappointment/embarassement/humilation that I've brought to others. However, Im amazed at how many people think that they know what Gods real intentions are/have been for me. It amazes me that one event could change my life course for a life time and for the better. The Day of Smothering was planned from the beginning of time. God knew that there were/are people that would try to go destory my UN-tame-able spirt... ty to hoon it for their own gain or pleasure...but not remembering that I was/am made for only Ones pleasure... and in order to become that fully...taking care of this temple is a must, because:

"There is spirital-steel being forged in your system that NO man can break...

You are not a mistake...

You are a special one, perfectly designed...

I made you flawless...

I got alot in store for you!"

Un-stoppable, Warrior-Queen, you are.

(May 30, 2010)

Now, don't get me wrong... I have a long way to go, but at the same time, I'm very confident these next 27 days and this summer are going to be VERY INTERESTING, FREEING, EMOTIONAL, and DIRECTIONAL!! Finish hard, especially when youre already exhausted and feel like you had the sh*t kicked out of you, is hard enough... but knowing that these last couple months have been training for what the next steps in my life... AMAZED and very COMFORTED... I am! :D

Release...I welcome you!

Focus... I welcome you!

TBA... I welcome you!

Un-stoppable-Warrior Queen... I welcome you!!

The time of hiding and be force to comform is OVER. There is no holding this one back. And new day is coming!! And to think that people can bearly handle this me... I can't wait to see what God does with me...

Don't worry, if you stand me up... Its ok. Nothing/no one is stopping me from becoming what I am supposed to become... But understand something...

I gonna FLY!! I gonna DRIVE!! I gonna GO!! I want to be a part of SOMETHING I don’t know!! And if you try to hold me back I might EXPLODE!! Baby, by now, you SHOULD know...

I can’t be tamed!

Until next time... <3

38 days...and Counting!!!

hahaha...
it's really funny how that works...
Countdowns, I mean...


You get so super excited that something is about to happen or some HUGE event that you've been planning for months is FINALLY here or just an certian event that you know is going to your life is FINALLY COMING... ((hahahahah )) HOWEVER, even thought you are super excited, on tends to shoot themselves in the foot, bc even though you are counting down and wait, you just made time go slower; at some point you may have even stopped it!!! I hate it when that happends.Though change is happening all the time, I never really stop to think about that "stand-still" part...

(until about a week ago, when I had the same conversation 5x, with 5 different people...)

Now usually events like this don't ever happen. I mean having the same convo with the 5 different people, who don't know each other from Adam...and me just being dumbfounded that 1.) These convesations are happening. 2.) I've bottled in emotion, b/c I didn't think that it was "right" for me to feel the things that I have been feeling... 3.) It's been soooo long since I've acknowledge the fact that these gifts, feelings, desires, and dreams; where even there... 4) and DUH, why did it take me so freakin' long? ;)

((This wall that I keep running into, just cracked... I think :] ))

So, with that said... Camp Hollis is in 38 days! My 25th Birthday is in 2 months, 2 weeks and 3 days! Moving Day is 3 months (Lord, willing!) and 1 year, 1 week, and 5 days until TBA is FINALLIZED! There is alot of work to be done, and even though Rome wasn't built in a day... I know I don't have time to waste!!! This next couple of months should be very interesting... :P

((Lets see what God does... :] ))

Until next time...

50 Days and Counting...

So.... Camp starts in 50 day! Am I ready?!?!?

NOPE!

And thats a first....lol

Clothes for the summer have yet to be decided... Swimsuit has yet to be found... Craft Sets have yet to be finalized and ordered. HAHAHAHA Yeah, things have yet to settle, but I will make it through. :) But until than it's all work and no play...

well maybe a little... ;)

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

Sorry it has taken a frustrationg time for me to talk to you. Please forgive me.Thank you for praying. I need it. I'm just in a really frusterating time. Nothing seems to be working out. Cars broken, Funds are low. Faith is low...and usually I'm a fighter and I'll pray until something happends...but this time there is no fight...I'm sick and tired of hear the awesome things that God has in store for me... And seeing prophetically, is just a tease! And everytime I feel like there is a relase of grace for me to walk in faith in those things... i walk in to this glass wall... and get knocked down :( The first couple of times i found it funny. And now I'm just pissed!

I'm sick of tears, pain, rejection and betral. I'm so frusterated, and alone... and it sucks!!Idk, where to go from here? And I'm not sure I want to know. I don't want anymore confusing, pain, tears, heartache, betral... I just want to be truely happy. I want to take pictures and have happiness behind each and every smile... and not having to force it...

Friend, I don;t know how to ask you to pray for me...but I'm very thankful that you are willing to do so.

Ps: Did I mention I'm sick of working my ass off... :/

Transition

There is nothing more uncomfortable than change. Even though it's a new and exciting chapter in my life. There is nothing more uncomfortable than the shifting and growing that comes with transition.

So this week is the week. EVERYTHING IS CHANGING. Nothing is going right and everything that is going right is making me cry. God is great, but sometimes I wish I wasn't the extra emotions were not there. I'm such a sap. There have been so many moments in this week where I have found myself crying out for strength and wisdom, only to find myself in a puddle of tears... ((Which for those of you who cry regularly know that after a crying session one wants to do nothing but SLEEP!!!))hahaha There is nothing more unpredictable and uncomfortable then God and His perfect timing. ahahah. :) Due to the continuous change: I'm moving at the end of the week. I'm starting yet another job on Monday. And I have yet to catch my breath. lol

So whats going on you may ask?! Well I'll tell you. It's called a major transition...A huge shift. A time where things are really busy, great, and really REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. And why do I have to go through it... Well because God said so, and He's just making room for the many blessed things to come.

It's an exciting time. A dangerous time. An adventurous time. And who would of thought that I would get to live in this time...

Until next time...<3

The New Me...

So I have this talented friend...



who definately gave me a EXTERMLY great confidence booster...





...and even though things are changing... I'm so glad that something NEVER change...lol

aka: Beauty in a pony-tail <3

Until next time... :)

A lesson, A facet lesson called LOVE...

Haahahhahaha...

Wow, what an adventure these past couple of weeks have been!!! Reaching new lows are never exciting for anyone, but that's life you have to go through. Even though my seem to be continuous and ever so lonely...I've decide to learn another lesson, a facet lesson (aka: a lesson that shows the different and multiple side of a subject, that is meant to educate you:but in all reality drive you to a place of vulnerability that is really uncomfortable....and yes, that is a Jalit-definition...) And the word of today is LOVE, facet PURE, GENUINE, UNCONDITIONAL...

and who better to show me than this little man:

Dillon was filled with so much excitement when he say me from the opposite end of the park... Actually a little to much excitement. He was yelling and screaming my name "Ja-weet, Ja-weet is here!!! Hi Jaweet." That smile beaming for ear to ear and watching those little legs go... It was BREATH-TAKING. And even before he hugged my legs he completely wiped out...which made it PRICELESS (but that's besides that point...lol) So much need love in that moment. I really didn't know what to do with it all...Except for squeeze and smile at the little guy.

So I played with Dillon and his sister Mari and his brother Cooper, and 2 other children that his incredible mom/my good friend watches...and even though I couldn't fit in 1/2 the stuff that was there...it was so refreshing to experience an hour of pure fun, pure innocence and experience true, wholesome, unconditional LOVE... And boy was I blessed.

When it was time to go it was super hard to say goodbye... It's not everyday that I experience the mere joy and sooooooooooooo much LOVE. Tears streamed down my face as I turned and I walked away towards the house... The only thing I could say is... "why, Abba?!?!" "Why do we loose that when we grow up?" Why does that can of LOVE come across as confusing, weird, outgoing, awkward, unwanted, mis-understood, over-powering...oooo and did i mention confusing? Yep..." "Why is so easy to hurt each other and so hard to genuinely LOVE someone?" And like always, I felt longing, loving, sympathetic eyes, and mighty arms of comfort just hold me they rest of my way home...

Idk, where I'm headed or have a clue of where I'm going...and for the first time in a VERY long time a new leave of insecurity clouds my vision and judgement. It scary as h**l! (whatever earthly h**l is...) Finding myself in places of rejection and loneliness that I have NEVER experienced before. Finding my pillow more wet then usually because tears seem to be the only way that I can communicate. And that LOVE that I crave and longing for is only in One person... yes I KNOW THIS... But I find myself wishing, longing, hoping, that I could find type of LOVE with skin on, you know people and just limited to children under the age of 4...

I really don't know who to described what I actually learned for this lesson, this facet lesson, but goodness that type of LOVE is so needed, and soooo lacking not just in my life but in the world in general... and to think that I learned this lesson @ the park with to most lovable 2yr old in the world... PRICELESS.

until next time...

Bandages..

I open my eyes, to find that the King of Kings, Himself was taking some bandages off my heart... Only to find that what was completely shattered, was now completely healed...

O MY GOODNESS... O MY GOODNESS!!! Big things are happening on this end of the world. Sorry that I didn't write last week. I've come to the conclusion that I will NEVER buy or own a scale. I'm content with my 182lb, but the sun is out and the walking to running process will beginning soon (TOMORROW)... :) But in other news...

I have made the biggest step forward that I think that God has ever allowed me to make and I am beyond excited. Today I took a HUGE step backwards and went to the last place I was majorly shattered. Ironically it was at a church. For to long I've been in pain. Carrying to much condemnation, anger, amazement (the bad kind!) and just utter disgust for this particular denomination and this person. I was challenged during prayer time that I had a couple of days ago, about forgiveness. Forgiveness is such a hard concept to grab a hold of and walk out in. I mean, people in my life, my own family members have told me for the longest time... "Forgive and forget, it's easy... God does the rest." That statement left me dumbfound EVERY time I heard that...and I wanted to slap (the living-day-lights out of...) EVERY single person that said it me. Not only was the response heartless, but they didn't have a clue about the situation or how BADLY this situation hurt me... and changed my prospective on ministry FOREVER!

BUT GOD... is (beyond) INCREDIBLE!!! Today, I went back to that place where I was defeat, overcome, abandoned and left fire-less... and I stood in that place and I was totally free. I wasn't bound. The wound was not oozing puss, guts, or blood... I was whole. I stood there humbly as the daughter of a King...and I was complete and healed...

Today was a scary day; a victorious and marvelous day. (insert picture of me GLOWING here....) Idk, if I will ever go back and worship at that particular fellowship again, but I do have renewed faith in the fact that God can use any situation for His glory. I have renewed faith that this journey of tears isn't all for nothing, and that this recovering General has not seen that last of her orders...not yet;)

I know that this event was meant to put my fire out forever but as I left that fellowship today...

I saw coals, red and hot being stirred up again...

Until next time:]

Changes (while the ground is no where to be found...)

What a turn around...

Since the beginning of this year, things have been constantly changing. Somethings are great. Somethings are not so great. But overall it's helping me become better and an even greater individual.

Living life is one things, but living it to the FULLEST, now that's another thing. Trying to figure out what direction my life is taking. Figuring out 1.) Should I make roots where I am or Should I be a nomad until future plans are set? 2.) Do I want to be self-employed and push myself or do I want to see how far I can get working for "The Man" (whoever the heck he is...) 3.) What in the world does God want me to do here??? And why the heck would He want to use me?? 4.) Do I want to rent a house or rent an apartment?? 5.) Where do I go from here?

So many decisions, so many things that I have to think about, so many things that I need to face...but I'm kinda scared too. Really scared to...

Changes are always good. Changes are situations that make you realize what you are really made of. Some changes make you face your worst fear, yet some encourage you and make you realize that you are great and dangerous...and the world better recognize...((ahahaha)) But over all, change makes you cling to the fact that God has a purpose for your life. He hasn't forgotten about ya. He just wants you closer to Him, in an even deeper relationship... :)

So yes, welcome to my changes. Who knows whats in store. All I do know is that these changes are going to make me a much better person, and who knows maybe I'll be happier or even better, a little wiser... hahaha. Who knows...



until next time... :D

Welcome to Week 5 (182lbs and I'm surprised it wasn't higher)

O what a week...

Hours get cut all around: Little in babysitting. Little at Pizza Hut. Which ment WAY to much time to think and do nothing except for plan, prepare, pout, fool around on my computer, have frustrating conversations with God, and just try to keep myself for crying.

I'm one of those people who gains weight when stressed... Even though that may have been the case, there was no need to turn to comfort food (b/c I didn't want it) and no need to get angry at myself b/c the situations were out of my control...

This is a totally new leaf and a MAJOR answer to prayer.

For so long I've been shown the wrong way to handle my emotions. Bottling things up and keeping/holding it all in is so not healthy. Even though I am a very emotional person, I tend to show my feelings in the wrong way also... Lately God has put people in my life that have help me keep my emotions in check. I'm so blessed to have the best girl friends that I do. If it weren't for my 3 best girls, I would probably 1.) Be alot heavier/alot more stressed!! 2.) Be a royal-hot-mess... 3.) Be alot more upset with the way things are panning out than I should be.

So over all life is still FULL even though the cup is almost empty...hahaha Shout outs to Alyssa, Tabby, and Elisha, you girls are the greatest gift I could ever ask God for. Thank you for keeping my perspective in check, giving me stupid/histarical things to laugh at. Thank you for all the texts and picture messages, late phone calls and facebook chats... Lifesavers and incredible blessing... I'm so blessed and so lucky. And Miss you all terribly :) Thanks again for everything.

until next week...

ps: Goal next week: Break 180!! More hours/new job!! Running over cup... :)

Welcome to Week 4 (183lbs)

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone...♥♥

And yes despite the wonderful meal that I had this weekend, I still managed to lose 3lbs!!! And the winter tire is beginning to deflate...Wooooohooooo :)

This past week was a hard one. Being called the "n" twice and still working on not letting the shallowness and hurtful words of other effect me, I learned something new about me. This may sound mean and heartless, but the power to delete and block and just say no has been a thrill for me.

Trying something is always hard, but I believe it will help in the long run. I know we live in a world where change happends on a daily basic, but I hope that this newest change sticks. And that things will become even better.

Thats all for this week. Hopefully I'll be down to 180lbs by next week!!! If not, at least i'll be on step closer. I love how great and beautiful I feel.

Until next time...♥

Welcome to Week 3 (still 186lbs)

Did you ever feel defeated and victorious at the same time. That was this past week. Between getting behind on my online Bible study and not losing or gaining anything. I had feels of condemnation and defeat, but God open some doors that I wasn't expecting...and showed my hope that I see for everyone else and thought would never happen for me.

This past week may have been a physical defeat, but personally, emotionally, spiritually, relationally...there was much victory!!!

Personal/Relational: There is so much power in reconnecting with people. Listening to people stories and seeing how they have grown and knowing that God let you have an ounce to do with it... It's so powerful and so cool. It's even cooler when you think that you know what you doing by making yourself so busy that "nothing/no one" could possibly make you turn and look and be like "look who is that fine man".... yep that happened in the past week too. I've never been this blessed. Though my country man is making me wait...((and yes though of you who know me know that it's killing me...)) its awesome to see that 1.)Chivalry is NOT dead!! 2.) There are good ones out there. 3.) And that are men that still have it in them to be the leaders and know their god-given place. I'm so lucky and so blessed.

Emotional: Think positive, surround yourself with positive thing and you will become positive and crave positive. There is a confidence springing up inside of me that I haven't not seen in a while. And I'm soooo glad that she is coming back... :) Having a real smile all the time has been super nice too.

Spiritual: I'm re-learning what it means to be diligent in all things. Maintain money has always been a hard things for me, but God is teaching/showing me that yes if you are faithful in the little things, then He will show you have to be faithful with the much that is to come. And let me tell you...its been great to see things double! Paying bills a week before they are due, having "extras" ((but i can't wait for them to be extras...hahaha)) and just being responsible... And yet again even with Him things are more than possible... :)


Pressing through and pressing on is possible. There is power in reconnection. One just has to be still, and wait... He'll come when you lets expect Him... :)

until next time...

Welcome to Week 2... (186lbs)

Wooohooo, -3lbs for pounds for me! It has been a victorious week and I feel great. It probably would have been more, but it is still winter here...aka: It will be freezing cold here and my butt is not going outside in this freezing-ness... ;)

But this past Monday, I went to Zumba...and loved it. This Monday, I may join the group. I figured if anything, I definitely would not be bored!! I had a TON of fun and it will definitely help me stay active even before spring-time. Other than that, I've added a good breakfast back into my day, taking a multi-vitamin (for some of the vitamins that I'm lacking), bringing my own lunch to nannying or Pizza Hut, and eating salad/soup or sandwiches and loading up on veggies as much as possible has defiantly helped in this losing weight process. :) I'm also back to encouraging my TEA addiction!!!! Yep, its true :) And also notice that I didn't say I've stopped eating or that I'm starving myself... I LOVE FOOD!!! Substituting things and moderation is key. :)

Other than that, I have added "the Lord" to my diet. Yep, that's right I've let Him get involved. In this devotional that I've been going through it has really be been making me think, not only what I tend to overeat at times (or just not eat at all)...but it really makes me think of the REAL root of my eating problem and unnecessary weight gain truly is. What I have learned in this past week has really surprised me too.

For example:

1.) Comfort-food is never good for you. It's a form of bondage and if one is not careful it may totally ruin ones life!!

2.) What REALLY motivates you to lose weight maybe the one thing that keeps you from losing weight!!

There is so much more that I would love to share but I'm really not ready to. Its only the beginning of this life-changing process. ((55 days to go...)) A process that will bring healing and restoration. One that will acknowledged the fact that there is STILL hope, not just for deliverance for me inner-woman, but a victorious, beautiful looking outer-woman. I can't wait to see what God does with me.

until next week...


PS: Thanks Crystal for showing me that site. It has been a blessing:)

Welcome to Week 1... (189lbs)

Yes, folks it's true. I weigh 189lbs. Even though losing weight was NOT one of my New Years resolutions I have still decided to improve my life style in little ways so that I would feel better about myself in ALL AREAS of life...

For some of you, that boldness may be a surprise b/c I come across as being happy go lucky. Things seem to be held together. Life is grand. But at the same time, for those of you who are welcomed to sit at my round table (hahahaha) know that I struggle with heavy things. Things that "normal" people don't deal with. Resolving past issues and trying to re-build bridges that only God can fix. Learning that I deserve nothing but the best...and that it's o.k. to demand the best to make itself known.

So I've started to change things...

Relationally: I've been single since May. I've reconnected with 3-5 old girl-friend (which is new for me, since I have trust issues, and have been slapped in the face way to many time). I talked to one of them every single day...and the others I go out of my way to text or call. They do the same for me, since they are 3 busy mommas. And it has been such a blessing living with one of my friends and her family. I'm such a blessed girl. As for the men in my life, we are friends. We hang out in big mixed groups, and we just have a lot of fun...aka: I get picked on... A lot :)

Mentally: I've been trying to just be positive. This past year has been a year of falling over stumbling blocks and breaking them down so I don't trip over them again. In this past year, I've learned that the mind is a POWERFULLY thing. I've always known that... but the light bulb went off... :) ((FINALLY)) I have been training myself to become more aware of the "stuff" that I allow myself to be open to... Like what I listen to, things I watch on T.V/Movies, even what I read, and yes even what I'm going online/how much time I'm online. It's been cool realizing that 1/2 of what is wrong with me I can actually control. It's just been mind-blowing realizing this!

Physically: Hahahaha, yes ladies and gentlemen... I have joined the cult called Zumba and I love it. Um... Usually I don't start working off the winter chub until its warm enough to do things outside. However, due to the fact that I am impatient and I don't want to wait until than. And the fact that I am not happy with the way I feel or the way that my body looks... I've started working out and doing a Bible study called the Lord's Table:A 60 day Spiritual Detox. It's been great.

This is the Today is the first day that I have started the Lord's Table. This is the middle of the first greatest week I've had in over a year... And I'm so glad that God has brought on this challenge. Reminding me that it's ok to take care of me. It's ok to love myself. And lately I'm like... " So... This is what FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made looks like..." Not..."Wow, why in the world did you make this hot mess, Lord?"...hahaha

Spiritually: This is the part when I would insert a novel, but I wont... Hahaha... All I will let you in on is this... I just feel this urgency to get on board with what God is doing and how He is moving. I know He never changes but at the same time there is something EXTREMELY fresh in this wind...for sometime now. And we as God's people better get on board or we are going to miss out on something HUGE.

For me, I'm seeing things that I've wept over (for what feels like forever...) and they are finally going to come together and manifesting. I haven't seen it physically yet, but I know it's coming. :D And I can already hear is... "See, I told you so... I haven't forgotten you!" O man, am I excited or what!!! :D

Well there you have it! Welcome to the middle of Week 1. I'm proud to say that I weigh 189lbs... :P And I'm hoping that by the end of week 9 to be down to at least 165-170lbs. Eating healthy and overall hoping to revamp my wonderfully hectic life style:)

until next time... :D

⁵ Yes, they shall sing of the ways of the LORD,

For great is the glory of the LORD.
⁶ Though the LORD is on high,
Yet He regards the lowly;
But the proud He knows from afar.

⁷ Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me;
You will stretch out Your hand
Against the wrath of my enemies,
And Your right hand will save me.
⁸ The LORD will perfect that which concerns me;
Your mercy, O LORD, endures forever;
Do not forsake the works of Your hands
— Psalm 138:5-8

A much need fresh start...

Hello again...

I'm so proud of myself. The gap between blog entrys is less that a week apart. I know I'm awesome. Don't have to tell me twice;) But in all seriousness blogging is such a great way to just down load things and stuff thats on your heart and mind that you don't mind others seeing... And I'm so blessed to do so.

Lately, I've been trying so hard to bounce back and stay ahead. And for a while, I was just going through the motions and just doing the work that was put in front of me. Everyone around my thought that I was happy and doing great, but I know me...and I was the farthest thing from happy. Crying myself to sleep every night, not eating right, lounging around in my pj's all day ((which is not a bad thing, but when it's the same outfit for about a week thats bad...hahaha)) hiding myself away and only facing the world when I had to... Yes, it was just bad! But God stepped in...

I love the "But God" moments in life. I'll never forget that sermon that Cliff Pruitt preached in chapel @ Elim. ((Powerful!!!)) Anyways, as I just laying in bed, attempting to take a nap, I just started to weep. Not tears of sorrow ((for once)) but I was just so thankful. Thankful for life. Thankful for the few friends that I have in my inner circle. Thankful for mom and the many spiritually parents that I do have. And thankful for what has yet to come... and than I saw it... :)

This incredible picture of mighty running water. And as the water flowed new life was formed. A fresh start. One filled with many blessings, many new and exciting victorious things. True freedom from the many things that I have struggled with for years. The silly secret things that I would whisper to God and just hope they were apart of His will...lol Those big dreams... All of it just being knit together. It was a great picture... :)

Now after typing all of that, I really don't know how to end this. But on thing for sure is that I feel like a new woman. Things are turning around for the better. I have a feeling in this next season that alot of tears are going to be redeemed. Things that I have prayed over with great faith, things that seemed to be to little in my eyes, and things that would seem to be "too extreme"...are all going to be come so very real. And it's about time... I mean... it's very exciting to watch, and know that it's only going to drawing me closer to the Lord, and turn me into a greater woman.

Goodness, God is GREAT. :)

Final Decisions :)

Hahahahaha... It's funny that I'm calling this "Final Decisions" since I feel like I change my mind more than the average women. :D But I have finally found the "guts" to take the risks to make my dreams come true. And for once the combination of faith, hope and excitement are indescribable...

So what are these "Final Decisions" you might ask?!?!?!?

1. School
2. Job Change
3. Date for moving

School: I have been back and forth between Community School and transfering to University. (4-5 years altogether) Or go to school online (2 years altogether). Now just with timing along the decision maybe obvious, but I wanted it to be right. I feel like I've wasted enough time, but despite that feeling I wanted it to be right choice. So this Sept 4, 2010; I start my Christian Counseling Degree at Light University. It's based in VA. I would so love to be there, but that a big move that I can't do...yet :) So I'm going online. This allows me to have a job change and back into gear for the next step.

Job Change: This should be no surprise to anyone! I feel like every time something comes around I am changing jobs but being as strong willed and stubborn as I am... I need a lot of tough options before I can make FINALLY figure out the right fit. Anyways, I'm going to be a Camp Counselor @ Camp Hollis this summer and hopefully the following summer. And in the Fall... who really knows.... At this point, I'm praying for a HUGE open door that will allow me to go back to school online and is more than 30+ hours a week... :) I'm hoping/praying for something that more towards the line of counseling but who knows... God, let your will be done ;)

The Big Move: California... HERE I COME!!! Yes, I'm really moving! I'm scared "crap-less", but I'm so ready to start making my dreams come true. :) The open visions and daydreams alike. I see it ahhhhhhhhhhh things are coming together!!! heheheheh I've been waiting for a long time. As of today it's I have:




and I know that when you start counting down things it makes time go slower but I'm really praying that time flys... :)



The funny thing about "Final Decisions" is that they've always been final. God knew even before today that I would be a gitty little girl writing out this blog, getting super excited about the dreams that He has for me. I guess it just took going through many fires for me to realize that I am the right person for these dream. That I can to all things in Him who definately is my strength. And nothing not even our deepest fear can stop us from becoming who we truely are in Christ... Unless we choose to do so... :O

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us . . . And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ---- Quote by Nelson Mandela ----

until next time...

Changes

I have never been one to hate change. Being flexible and just dealing with the different fires that seem to surround me, have been a part of everyday life... Until today:)

Today is an important day for me, and probably will be for the rest of my life. You see until this post things just seem to be "too dysfunctional, disoriented". Yes, with plan and purpose of course, but I've just dealt with it for so long b/c I've feared me own emotions. I've been told for soooo long that "this is God way" or "just trust Him he'll see you through" or "this has just happened to you b/c of the true character that you lack" or all the other non-sense that religious people say to each other without thinking... That I've truly have forgotten what life really was about, and who I was truly living for.

January 10, 2010: I broke my non-church streak. Not that not going to church was wrong. I just felt the need to go. God is always challenging us to be more like Him. Bringing us from glory to glory to glory. To a place that is higher and a blessing to others. Though my "glory to glory" always seem like I'm going into fire after fire... God forever longs for me to be like Him and longs for that deeper relationship with him. Changes are soooo necessary for this life.

As the year 2010 proceeds, I'm hoping and believing for new things, new fires, new direction, new love and new changes. Even though my resolutions are reasonable and have failed at a couple already....hahaha, I'm so looking forward to RIVERS and MUCH FRUIT in this desert that I am in. I'm so blessed to know that this desert will be GREEN, LUSCIOUS PASTURE...and hopeful sooner that I could ever imagin.

Thats all for now. Until next time. :D