I can't be...TAMED

You know something, it's really weird when God uses the "odd-random-small-things" to get my attention.

This month's lesson: Taking care of me! :O

Though I know that it is ok...to do this, I haven't and I put myself last...ALOT and WAY TO OFTEN. So I make plans=get stood up!!! Make more plans=get stood up and recieve dead flowers cry, color and... Make more plans AGAIN= no one comes+warm bubble bath!!! Make new and more plans= and 1 friend shows up...at this point I'm like Lord "Are you freakin' serious?" "What is wrong with me?

"Nothing..." He said

Nothing!!! I was like lets recap... I got stood up... Recieved dead flowers... And have been crying myself to sleep for the last 3 weeks...Was told that "there is to many facets to you, to much for me to deal with at this time..." I was like are you sure, Lord, nothing is wrong with me... Are you sure? And then He laughs at me!

So, as of today, I've come to the conclusions that God has something AMAZING instore for me. And even though TBA is not in focus...((yet)) I have the overwhelming urge to think that this summer is a going to be a RELEASING/FREEING/MONUMENTAL one.

Every since the day of smother-a-tion...((hahahha)) I've been really upset/overwhelemed by the disappointment/embarassement/humilation that I've brought to others. However, Im amazed at how many people think that they know what Gods real intentions are/have been for me. It amazes me that one event could change my life course for a life time and for the better. The Day of Smothering was planned from the beginning of time. God knew that there were/are people that would try to go destory my UN-tame-able spirt... ty to hoon it for their own gain or pleasure...but not remembering that I was/am made for only Ones pleasure... and in order to become that fully...taking care of this temple is a must, because:

"There is spirital-steel being forged in your system that NO man can break...

You are not a mistake...

You are a special one, perfectly designed...

I made you flawless...

I got alot in store for you!"

Un-stoppable, Warrior-Queen, you are.

(May 30, 2010)

Now, don't get me wrong... I have a long way to go, but at the same time, I'm very confident these next 27 days and this summer are going to be VERY INTERESTING, FREEING, EMOTIONAL, and DIRECTIONAL!! Finish hard, especially when youre already exhausted and feel like you had the sh*t kicked out of you, is hard enough... but knowing that these last couple months have been training for what the next steps in my life... AMAZED and very COMFORTED... I am! :D

Release...I welcome you!

Focus... I welcome you!

TBA... I welcome you!

Un-stoppable-Warrior Queen... I welcome you!!

The time of hiding and be force to comform is OVER. There is no holding this one back. And new day is coming!! And to think that people can bearly handle this me... I can't wait to see what God does with me...

Don't worry, if you stand me up... Its ok. Nothing/no one is stopping me from becoming what I am supposed to become... But understand something...

I gonna FLY!! I gonna DRIVE!! I gonna GO!! I want to be a part of SOMETHING I don’t know!! And if you try to hold me back I might EXPLODE!! Baby, by now, you SHOULD know...

I can’t be tamed!

Until next time... <3

38 days...and Counting!!!

hahaha...
it's really funny how that works...
Countdowns, I mean...


You get so super excited that something is about to happen or some HUGE event that you've been planning for months is FINALLY here or just an certian event that you know is going to your life is FINALLY COMING... ((hahahahah )) HOWEVER, even thought you are super excited, on tends to shoot themselves in the foot, bc even though you are counting down and wait, you just made time go slower; at some point you may have even stopped it!!! I hate it when that happends.Though change is happening all the time, I never really stop to think about that "stand-still" part...

(until about a week ago, when I had the same conversation 5x, with 5 different people...)

Now usually events like this don't ever happen. I mean having the same convo with the 5 different people, who don't know each other from Adam...and me just being dumbfounded that 1.) These convesations are happening. 2.) I've bottled in emotion, b/c I didn't think that it was "right" for me to feel the things that I have been feeling... 3.) It's been soooo long since I've acknowledge the fact that these gifts, feelings, desires, and dreams; where even there... 4) and DUH, why did it take me so freakin' long? ;)

((This wall that I keep running into, just cracked... I think :] ))

So, with that said... Camp Hollis is in 38 days! My 25th Birthday is in 2 months, 2 weeks and 3 days! Moving Day is 3 months (Lord, willing!) and 1 year, 1 week, and 5 days until TBA is FINALLIZED! There is alot of work to be done, and even though Rome wasn't built in a day... I know I don't have time to waste!!! This next couple of months should be very interesting... :P

((Lets see what God does... :] ))

Until next time...

50 Days and Counting...

So.... Camp starts in 50 day! Am I ready?!?!?

NOPE!

And thats a first....lol

Clothes for the summer have yet to be decided... Swimsuit has yet to be found... Craft Sets have yet to be finalized and ordered. HAHAHAHA Yeah, things have yet to settle, but I will make it through. :) But until than it's all work and no play...

well maybe a little... ;)

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

Sorry it has taken a frustrationg time for me to talk to you. Please forgive me.Thank you for praying. I need it. I'm just in a really frusterating time. Nothing seems to be working out. Cars broken, Funds are low. Faith is low...and usually I'm a fighter and I'll pray until something happends...but this time there is no fight...I'm sick and tired of hear the awesome things that God has in store for me... And seeing prophetically, is just a tease! And everytime I feel like there is a relase of grace for me to walk in faith in those things... i walk in to this glass wall... and get knocked down :( The first couple of times i found it funny. And now I'm just pissed!

I'm sick of tears, pain, rejection and betral. I'm so frusterated, and alone... and it sucks!!Idk, where to go from here? And I'm not sure I want to know. I don't want anymore confusing, pain, tears, heartache, betral... I just want to be truely happy. I want to take pictures and have happiness behind each and every smile... and not having to force it...

Friend, I don;t know how to ask you to pray for me...but I'm very thankful that you are willing to do so.

Ps: Did I mention I'm sick of working my ass off... :/

Transition

There is nothing more uncomfortable than change. Even though it's a new and exciting chapter in my life. There is nothing more uncomfortable than the shifting and growing that comes with transition.

So this week is the week. EVERYTHING IS CHANGING. Nothing is going right and everything that is going right is making me cry. God is great, but sometimes I wish I wasn't the extra emotions were not there. I'm such a sap. There have been so many moments in this week where I have found myself crying out for strength and wisdom, only to find myself in a puddle of tears... ((Which for those of you who cry regularly know that after a crying session one wants to do nothing but SLEEP!!!))hahaha There is nothing more unpredictable and uncomfortable then God and His perfect timing. ahahah. :) Due to the continuous change: I'm moving at the end of the week. I'm starting yet another job on Monday. And I have yet to catch my breath. lol

So whats going on you may ask?! Well I'll tell you. It's called a major transition...A huge shift. A time where things are really busy, great, and really REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. And why do I have to go through it... Well because God said so, and He's just making room for the many blessed things to come.

It's an exciting time. A dangerous time. An adventurous time. And who would of thought that I would get to live in this time...

Until next time...<3

The New Me...

So I have this talented friend...



who definately gave me a EXTERMLY great confidence booster...





...and even though things are changing... I'm so glad that something NEVER change...lol

aka: Beauty in a pony-tail <3

Until next time... :)

A lesson, A facet lesson called LOVE...

Haahahhahaha...

Wow, what an adventure these past couple of weeks have been!!! Reaching new lows are never exciting for anyone, but that's life you have to go through. Even though my seem to be continuous and ever so lonely...I've decide to learn another lesson, a facet lesson (aka: a lesson that shows the different and multiple side of a subject, that is meant to educate you:but in all reality drive you to a place of vulnerability that is really uncomfortable....and yes, that is a Jalit-definition...) And the word of today is LOVE, facet PURE, GENUINE, UNCONDITIONAL...

and who better to show me than this little man:

Dillon was filled with so much excitement when he say me from the opposite end of the park... Actually a little to much excitement. He was yelling and screaming my name "Ja-weet, Ja-weet is here!!! Hi Jaweet." That smile beaming for ear to ear and watching those little legs go... It was BREATH-TAKING. And even before he hugged my legs he completely wiped out...which made it PRICELESS (but that's besides that point...lol) So much need love in that moment. I really didn't know what to do with it all...Except for squeeze and smile at the little guy.

So I played with Dillon and his sister Mari and his brother Cooper, and 2 other children that his incredible mom/my good friend watches...and even though I couldn't fit in 1/2 the stuff that was there...it was so refreshing to experience an hour of pure fun, pure innocence and experience true, wholesome, unconditional LOVE... And boy was I blessed.

When it was time to go it was super hard to say goodbye... It's not everyday that I experience the mere joy and sooooooooooooo much LOVE. Tears streamed down my face as I turned and I walked away towards the house... The only thing I could say is... "why, Abba?!?!" "Why do we loose that when we grow up?" Why does that can of LOVE come across as confusing, weird, outgoing, awkward, unwanted, mis-understood, over-powering...oooo and did i mention confusing? Yep..." "Why is so easy to hurt each other and so hard to genuinely LOVE someone?" And like always, I felt longing, loving, sympathetic eyes, and mighty arms of comfort just hold me they rest of my way home...

Idk, where I'm headed or have a clue of where I'm going...and for the first time in a VERY long time a new leave of insecurity clouds my vision and judgement. It scary as h**l! (whatever earthly h**l is...) Finding myself in places of rejection and loneliness that I have NEVER experienced before. Finding my pillow more wet then usually because tears seem to be the only way that I can communicate. And that LOVE that I crave and longing for is only in One person... yes I KNOW THIS... But I find myself wishing, longing, hoping, that I could find type of LOVE with skin on, you know people and just limited to children under the age of 4...

I really don't know who to described what I actually learned for this lesson, this facet lesson, but goodness that type of LOVE is so needed, and soooo lacking not just in my life but in the world in general... and to think that I learned this lesson @ the park with to most lovable 2yr old in the world... PRICELESS.

until next time...