Wow...

wow it's been a while since I've been on here...

According to my baby time ticker, I have 110 days until my little Harlee is here. To much is in my head!! At times it can be overwheleming! At times it can even be frightening, but most of the time... it's a pure joy, thinking of my princess and actually having her here.

Baby Girl, even though things are not as perfect as I would love them to be and I can't even beginning to describe to you how excited I am to meet you, see you, cuddle with you and just give you so much lovin... :) Though I may be overwhelemed with fear of the unknown and just feeling inadquite.... I know that God has a plan and that knowledge in and of itself puts this raging sea at peace... Love you Hunny...

Until next time :)

10 piggies, 10 toes...

Yesterday and the day before I reached a new level of love that I have never experienced before!! Thats right. I saw and heard my baby!! It was amazing how anxious I was to hear the heartbeat, but when I did it was LOUD and CLEAR. And oddly enough it was what I needed. When I was done with my appointment on Tuesday, they asked me if I wanted to see the baby... I was like "You can show me?!?!?" Duh... and the Dr. laughed and told me yes.

Seeing my munchkin hanging upside-down just hanging out like all was well in the world was great!! See that little lite ((indicating the heartbeat)) going superfast and hearing it just as strong as the day before was breath-taking!!

So far everything is going "PERFECT" ((in the words of my mid-wife))!! And I'm so thankful, blessed and so much more. God's given me one baby!! One more lil someone to love on... <3

I choose LIFE...

So it's funny how you make promises to yourself and than life throws you a certian chain of events and you realize that you just got to do the best you can with what you have been instilled with and what you learned on your own and hope for the best. 2 weeks ago today my life changed FOREVER... Thats right. I'm pregnant! And sometime around March 20th, 2011... I'll be a momma. :) And though things may not seem to be in the "right order" this kid has got to be something special...

Today as I was hanging out with my boys and telling different people the news, and it dawned on me... OMG, this is so natural... What am I doing? :) And how the heck did I get here? :P At this point I'm laughing histerically!!! Brodey, turns and looks with me and asks "What are you laughing at?!" I just looked up at the ceiling, and put my hand on my stomach and said with a huge chessy grin on my face..."I'm gonna be a Momma! There's no turning back!!" Than did Caleb (Brodey's 2yr old) come up to me and said..."You're gonna be the best!!" Tears of joy ran down my face today as my boys left my apartment. I can't put into words how great it was to see them/have them there. It felt to natural and sur-real.

So yes, I choose LIFE. Be that as it may. Hate me, love me, judge me, do whatever! But I chose to REJOICE and CELEBRATE this life. As he or she grows and as I get fatter...hahaha I will rejoice and celebrate and keep smiling... <3

Yep, it's true...

I'm due March 20, 2011. So much to do so little time. Any advice or encouragement is so welcome. Funny story still to come... but for right now, I just want people to know. :) Until next time... <3

Scared

Normally, I'm not one to admit it. But I am petrified about this new season. New apartment, new car, possibly a new job, new life, new love...and I'm so scared. Things are coming together so quick and changing so fast... I just can't seem to catch my bears... I'm scared, but it's a good scared... I hope :)

This week I move into my apartment. Maybe once I have a place thats mine I'll be a little more secure... ;) Until than keep me in your prayers. I'm already 1/2 through the summer... I hope im alive and hopping for the other 1/2 of camp. God bless. <3

favorite quotes as of late...lol

"Yesterday is history. Tommorow is a mystery. But today, today is a gift, that's why it's called the PRESENT." Kung Fu Panda


..."Your ability to trust fuels your ability to love..." ♥♥♥

Jedi Moment: "Exciting times, I live!"

I had a jedi moment today as I got off the phone with a friend of mine.

Exciting times, I live!

Things are packed! Things are ready set in motion... all I got to do is move!! Moving forward is so hard. I'm beginning to understand why God instructed certian ones to NOT look back. Transition/Moving forward is has been so hard. There is so much comfort in the "known" "the past" But change is needed and it is good. This CRAZY season however is almost over. ((THANK GOD!!))

Camp=TRANSITION

Moving during Camp=TRANSITION

Interview for my job with AmeriCorp during Camp=TRANSITION

Opening my heart to Love=TRANSITION ((hahah this transition has been very insightful;]))

All this to say... "I'm blessed! Exciting times, I live!" I may not have a clue of where I am being lead, but I know that I dont need to pray for God to bless my life and be blessed anymore. Reason being, I ALREADY AM. All I have to do is be obedient and faithful with these "talents" that God has given me; give it all I got, and WATCH for Him to day something that I couldnt even comprehend on my own! As I enjoy the last night that I will have to myself ((until camp is over!!!)) I'm in awe of all/what God has done. Even though I am clueless to what all of this will add up to... Clueless just in general...hahaha I don't mind anymore. :]

Camp is going to be AWESOME!!!

My new apartment is going to be BLESSED and without anything LACKING!!!

AmeriCorp will HIRE ME!!!

My heart will NOT be BROKEN!!!

I'm sharing with you, my amazing Jedi moment because there are way to many of people that I know that are stuck in a place that Life doesn't make sence! Clueless on where God is taking them/going to take them!! Pain, Pain Pain...ECT!!! But as I was reminded today...

Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers him out of them all...

Psalm 34:19

Despite the hecticness and uncertianty I am NOT alone. Despite that the fact that there are whispers of doubt, and "O, she'll never learn... She will always be like this!!" I chose to ignore it, and teach myself, and be taught by Him who loves me. The Lord is on the move and He is on His way... He promised!! He said so!! Tomorrow is the first day of the last of my transitions... ((for now!!!hahahaha)) And I can't wait!!

xoxoxoxo

Kari Jobe Healer

Our prayer are with you Camp Family... God bless!

My alter-ego...

Warrior Princess, I am...

Sleepless Nights...

14 days until CAMP, about 70 days until I move into my apartment, get a new car/sell the old car, and find out if I get the job that I am "perfectly-made" for...lol So much to do, not enough hours in the days... :)

I can't put my finger on it just yet but I have a really great feeling that this summer is going to be so special one!!! Not in the sence that I'm going to anything extreme, but in the sence that I'm going to get to discover a new fascet of myself, old passions are going to explode, and that everything is going to be ok...more than ok ;) Peace like this has not passed me by, in such a long time.

Despite my lack of sleep, encougragement-time, working out-time, energy and lack of faith in myself to become all that I was made to be... I'm so thankful! I'm so loved, blessed and and awe that my Abba would make a way for me, and his YET to leave me... I know that rest is on the way...so for now I carry on. Continusly moving forward. Things can on get better from here. After all Camp is only 14 days away, but until then I'm going to try to get some good nights sleep.... b/c God only knows once camps starts so do even more sleepless....HAHAHA

xoxox <3

I can't be...TAMED

You know something, it's really weird when God uses the "odd-random-small-things" to get my attention.

This month's lesson: Taking care of me! :O

Though I know that it is ok...to do this, I haven't and I put myself last...ALOT and WAY TO OFTEN. So I make plans=get stood up!!! Make more plans=get stood up and recieve dead flowers cry, color and... Make more plans AGAIN= no one comes+warm bubble bath!!! Make new and more plans= and 1 friend shows up...at this point I'm like Lord "Are you freakin' serious?" "What is wrong with me?

"Nothing..." He said

Nothing!!! I was like lets recap... I got stood up... Recieved dead flowers... And have been crying myself to sleep for the last 3 weeks...Was told that "there is to many facets to you, to much for me to deal with at this time..." I was like are you sure, Lord, nothing is wrong with me... Are you sure? And then He laughs at me!

So, as of today, I've come to the conclusions that God has something AMAZING instore for me. And even though TBA is not in focus...((yet)) I have the overwhelming urge to think that this summer is a going to be a RELEASING/FREEING/MONUMENTAL one.

Every since the day of smother-a-tion...((hahahha)) I've been really upset/overwhelemed by the disappointment/embarassement/humilation that I've brought to others. However, Im amazed at how many people think that they know what Gods real intentions are/have been for me. It amazes me that one event could change my life course for a life time and for the better. The Day of Smothering was planned from the beginning of time. God knew that there were/are people that would try to go destory my UN-tame-able spirt... ty to hoon it for their own gain or pleasure...but not remembering that I was/am made for only Ones pleasure... and in order to become that fully...taking care of this temple is a must, because:

"There is spirital-steel being forged in your system that NO man can break...

You are not a mistake...

You are a special one, perfectly designed...

I made you flawless...

I got alot in store for you!"

Un-stoppable, Warrior-Queen, you are.

(May 30, 2010)

Now, don't get me wrong... I have a long way to go, but at the same time, I'm very confident these next 27 days and this summer are going to be VERY INTERESTING, FREEING, EMOTIONAL, and DIRECTIONAL!! Finish hard, especially when youre already exhausted and feel like you had the sh*t kicked out of you, is hard enough... but knowing that these last couple months have been training for what the next steps in my life... AMAZED and very COMFORTED... I am! :D

Release...I welcome you!

Focus... I welcome you!

TBA... I welcome you!

Un-stoppable-Warrior Queen... I welcome you!!

The time of hiding and be force to comform is OVER. There is no holding this one back. And new day is coming!! And to think that people can bearly handle this me... I can't wait to see what God does with me...

Don't worry, if you stand me up... Its ok. Nothing/no one is stopping me from becoming what I am supposed to become... But understand something...

I gonna FLY!! I gonna DRIVE!! I gonna GO!! I want to be a part of SOMETHING I don’t know!! And if you try to hold me back I might EXPLODE!! Baby, by now, you SHOULD know...

I can’t be tamed!

Until next time... <3

38 days...and Counting!!!

hahaha...
it's really funny how that works...
Countdowns, I mean...


You get so super excited that something is about to happen or some HUGE event that you've been planning for months is FINALLY here or just an certian event that you know is going to your life is FINALLY COMING... ((hahahahah )) HOWEVER, even thought you are super excited, on tends to shoot themselves in the foot, bc even though you are counting down and wait, you just made time go slower; at some point you may have even stopped it!!! I hate it when that happends.Though change is happening all the time, I never really stop to think about that "stand-still" part...

(until about a week ago, when I had the same conversation 5x, with 5 different people...)

Now usually events like this don't ever happen. I mean having the same convo with the 5 different people, who don't know each other from Adam...and me just being dumbfounded that 1.) These convesations are happening. 2.) I've bottled in emotion, b/c I didn't think that it was "right" for me to feel the things that I have been feeling... 3.) It's been soooo long since I've acknowledge the fact that these gifts, feelings, desires, and dreams; where even there... 4) and DUH, why did it take me so freakin' long? ;)

((This wall that I keep running into, just cracked... I think :] ))

So, with that said... Camp Hollis is in 38 days! My 25th Birthday is in 2 months, 2 weeks and 3 days! Moving Day is 3 months (Lord, willing!) and 1 year, 1 week, and 5 days until TBA is FINALLIZED! There is alot of work to be done, and even though Rome wasn't built in a day... I know I don't have time to waste!!! This next couple of months should be very interesting... :P

((Lets see what God does... :] ))

Until next time...

50 Days and Counting...

So.... Camp starts in 50 day! Am I ready?!?!?

NOPE!

And thats a first....lol

Clothes for the summer have yet to be decided... Swimsuit has yet to be found... Craft Sets have yet to be finalized and ordered. HAHAHAHA Yeah, things have yet to settle, but I will make it through. :) But until than it's all work and no play...

well maybe a little... ;)

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

Sorry it has taken a frustrationg time for me to talk to you. Please forgive me.Thank you for praying. I need it. I'm just in a really frusterating time. Nothing seems to be working out. Cars broken, Funds are low. Faith is low...and usually I'm a fighter and I'll pray until something happends...but this time there is no fight...I'm sick and tired of hear the awesome things that God has in store for me... And seeing prophetically, is just a tease! And everytime I feel like there is a relase of grace for me to walk in faith in those things... i walk in to this glass wall... and get knocked down :( The first couple of times i found it funny. And now I'm just pissed!

I'm sick of tears, pain, rejection and betral. I'm so frusterated, and alone... and it sucks!!Idk, where to go from here? And I'm not sure I want to know. I don't want anymore confusing, pain, tears, heartache, betral... I just want to be truely happy. I want to take pictures and have happiness behind each and every smile... and not having to force it...

Friend, I don;t know how to ask you to pray for me...but I'm very thankful that you are willing to do so.

Ps: Did I mention I'm sick of working my ass off... :/

Transition

There is nothing more uncomfortable than change. Even though it's a new and exciting chapter in my life. There is nothing more uncomfortable than the shifting and growing that comes with transition.

So this week is the week. EVERYTHING IS CHANGING. Nothing is going right and everything that is going right is making me cry. God is great, but sometimes I wish I wasn't the extra emotions were not there. I'm such a sap. There have been so many moments in this week where I have found myself crying out for strength and wisdom, only to find myself in a puddle of tears... ((Which for those of you who cry regularly know that after a crying session one wants to do nothing but SLEEP!!!))hahaha There is nothing more unpredictable and uncomfortable then God and His perfect timing. ahahah. :) Due to the continuous change: I'm moving at the end of the week. I'm starting yet another job on Monday. And I have yet to catch my breath. lol

So whats going on you may ask?! Well I'll tell you. It's called a major transition...A huge shift. A time where things are really busy, great, and really REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. And why do I have to go through it... Well because God said so, and He's just making room for the many blessed things to come.

It's an exciting time. A dangerous time. An adventurous time. And who would of thought that I would get to live in this time...

Until next time...<3

The New Me...

So I have this talented friend...



who definately gave me a EXTERMLY great confidence booster...





...and even though things are changing... I'm so glad that something NEVER change...lol

aka: Beauty in a pony-tail <3

Until next time... :)

A lesson, A facet lesson called LOVE...

Haahahhahaha...

Wow, what an adventure these past couple of weeks have been!!! Reaching new lows are never exciting for anyone, but that's life you have to go through. Even though my seem to be continuous and ever so lonely...I've decide to learn another lesson, a facet lesson (aka: a lesson that shows the different and multiple side of a subject, that is meant to educate you:but in all reality drive you to a place of vulnerability that is really uncomfortable....and yes, that is a Jalit-definition...) And the word of today is LOVE, facet PURE, GENUINE, UNCONDITIONAL...

and who better to show me than this little man:

Dillon was filled with so much excitement when he say me from the opposite end of the park... Actually a little to much excitement. He was yelling and screaming my name "Ja-weet, Ja-weet is here!!! Hi Jaweet." That smile beaming for ear to ear and watching those little legs go... It was BREATH-TAKING. And even before he hugged my legs he completely wiped out...which made it PRICELESS (but that's besides that point...lol) So much need love in that moment. I really didn't know what to do with it all...Except for squeeze and smile at the little guy.

So I played with Dillon and his sister Mari and his brother Cooper, and 2 other children that his incredible mom/my good friend watches...and even though I couldn't fit in 1/2 the stuff that was there...it was so refreshing to experience an hour of pure fun, pure innocence and experience true, wholesome, unconditional LOVE... And boy was I blessed.

When it was time to go it was super hard to say goodbye... It's not everyday that I experience the mere joy and sooooooooooooo much LOVE. Tears streamed down my face as I turned and I walked away towards the house... The only thing I could say is... "why, Abba?!?!" "Why do we loose that when we grow up?" Why does that can of LOVE come across as confusing, weird, outgoing, awkward, unwanted, mis-understood, over-powering...oooo and did i mention confusing? Yep..." "Why is so easy to hurt each other and so hard to genuinely LOVE someone?" And like always, I felt longing, loving, sympathetic eyes, and mighty arms of comfort just hold me they rest of my way home...

Idk, where I'm headed or have a clue of where I'm going...and for the first time in a VERY long time a new leave of insecurity clouds my vision and judgement. It scary as h**l! (whatever earthly h**l is...) Finding myself in places of rejection and loneliness that I have NEVER experienced before. Finding my pillow more wet then usually because tears seem to be the only way that I can communicate. And that LOVE that I crave and longing for is only in One person... yes I KNOW THIS... But I find myself wishing, longing, hoping, that I could find type of LOVE with skin on, you know people and just limited to children under the age of 4...

I really don't know who to described what I actually learned for this lesson, this facet lesson, but goodness that type of LOVE is so needed, and soooo lacking not just in my life but in the world in general... and to think that I learned this lesson @ the park with to most lovable 2yr old in the world... PRICELESS.

until next time...

Bandages..

I open my eyes, to find that the King of Kings, Himself was taking some bandages off my heart... Only to find that what was completely shattered, was now completely healed...

O MY GOODNESS... O MY GOODNESS!!! Big things are happening on this end of the world. Sorry that I didn't write last week. I've come to the conclusion that I will NEVER buy or own a scale. I'm content with my 182lb, but the sun is out and the walking to running process will beginning soon (TOMORROW)... :) But in other news...

I have made the biggest step forward that I think that God has ever allowed me to make and I am beyond excited. Today I took a HUGE step backwards and went to the last place I was majorly shattered. Ironically it was at a church. For to long I've been in pain. Carrying to much condemnation, anger, amazement (the bad kind!) and just utter disgust for this particular denomination and this person. I was challenged during prayer time that I had a couple of days ago, about forgiveness. Forgiveness is such a hard concept to grab a hold of and walk out in. I mean, people in my life, my own family members have told me for the longest time... "Forgive and forget, it's easy... God does the rest." That statement left me dumbfound EVERY time I heard that...and I wanted to slap (the living-day-lights out of...) EVERY single person that said it me. Not only was the response heartless, but they didn't have a clue about the situation or how BADLY this situation hurt me... and changed my prospective on ministry FOREVER!

BUT GOD... is (beyond) INCREDIBLE!!! Today, I went back to that place where I was defeat, overcome, abandoned and left fire-less... and I stood in that place and I was totally free. I wasn't bound. The wound was not oozing puss, guts, or blood... I was whole. I stood there humbly as the daughter of a King...and I was complete and healed...

Today was a scary day; a victorious and marvelous day. (insert picture of me GLOWING here....) Idk, if I will ever go back and worship at that particular fellowship again, but I do have renewed faith in the fact that God can use any situation for His glory. I have renewed faith that this journey of tears isn't all for nothing, and that this recovering General has not seen that last of her orders...not yet;)

I know that this event was meant to put my fire out forever but as I left that fellowship today...

I saw coals, red and hot being stirred up again...

Until next time:]

Changes (while the ground is no where to be found...)

What a turn around...

Since the beginning of this year, things have been constantly changing. Somethings are great. Somethings are not so great. But overall it's helping me become better and an even greater individual.

Living life is one things, but living it to the FULLEST, now that's another thing. Trying to figure out what direction my life is taking. Figuring out 1.) Should I make roots where I am or Should I be a nomad until future plans are set? 2.) Do I want to be self-employed and push myself or do I want to see how far I can get working for "The Man" (whoever the heck he is...) 3.) What in the world does God want me to do here??? And why the heck would He want to use me?? 4.) Do I want to rent a house or rent an apartment?? 5.) Where do I go from here?

So many decisions, so many things that I have to think about, so many things that I need to face...but I'm kinda scared too. Really scared to...

Changes are always good. Changes are situations that make you realize what you are really made of. Some changes make you face your worst fear, yet some encourage you and make you realize that you are great and dangerous...and the world better recognize...((ahahaha)) But over all, change makes you cling to the fact that God has a purpose for your life. He hasn't forgotten about ya. He just wants you closer to Him, in an even deeper relationship... :)

So yes, welcome to my changes. Who knows whats in store. All I do know is that these changes are going to make me a much better person, and who knows maybe I'll be happier or even better, a little wiser... hahaha. Who knows...



until next time... :D

Welcome to Week 5 (182lbs and I'm surprised it wasn't higher)

O what a week...

Hours get cut all around: Little in babysitting. Little at Pizza Hut. Which ment WAY to much time to think and do nothing except for plan, prepare, pout, fool around on my computer, have frustrating conversations with God, and just try to keep myself for crying.

I'm one of those people who gains weight when stressed... Even though that may have been the case, there was no need to turn to comfort food (b/c I didn't want it) and no need to get angry at myself b/c the situations were out of my control...

This is a totally new leaf and a MAJOR answer to prayer.

For so long I've been shown the wrong way to handle my emotions. Bottling things up and keeping/holding it all in is so not healthy. Even though I am a very emotional person, I tend to show my feelings in the wrong way also... Lately God has put people in my life that have help me keep my emotions in check. I'm so blessed to have the best girl friends that I do. If it weren't for my 3 best girls, I would probably 1.) Be alot heavier/alot more stressed!! 2.) Be a royal-hot-mess... 3.) Be alot more upset with the way things are panning out than I should be.

So over all life is still FULL even though the cup is almost empty...hahaha Shout outs to Alyssa, Tabby, and Elisha, you girls are the greatest gift I could ever ask God for. Thank you for keeping my perspective in check, giving me stupid/histarical things to laugh at. Thank you for all the texts and picture messages, late phone calls and facebook chats... Lifesavers and incredible blessing... I'm so blessed and so lucky. And Miss you all terribly :) Thanks again for everything.

until next week...

ps: Goal next week: Break 180!! More hours/new job!! Running over cup... :)